I am a local resident with my husband and two children. I had the privilege of enjoying a wonderful childhood, surrounded by two amazing and supportive parents and a younger brother who made those early years special. However, like many children and adolescents, I faced challenges related to mental health that have continued into adulthood. I began to notice changes in my behavior around the age of 13, although the signs of struggle were present much earlier. Throughout my life, I have grappled with anxiety and depression. Opening up about mental health issues is something that I have always been passionate about, but recently God has placed it on my heart to share my experiences.
It was during my recovery from a second cesarean section that I came to the realization I was experiencing a significant case of postpartum depression yet again. Rewinding back to 2020, I had just welcomed my first child into the world. My husband and I returned home from the hospital, both battling COVID-19 and feeling exhausted after a four-day hospital stay. As many may presume, we should have been filled with joy to be home just before Christmas with our beautiful new bundle of joy.
However, my experience as a new mother was quite different. My thoughts spiraled as I questioned myself—Was I a bad mother? What was wrong with me? Did I make a mistake? Did I truly deserve to be a mother? Was I capable of caring for him? What if I dropped him? What if he stopped breathing during the night? What if the water temperature was too warm for his bath? What if the straps in his car seat choked him?
The following week was dominated by similar thoughts, paired with extended crying episodes and the intense feeling of heartbreak, as if I were reliving a painful breakup repeatedly. I felt my heart was enduring an emotional turmoil that I couldn’t escape. As I reached day seven with my new baby, I constantly wondered if this emotional distress was a common facet of motherhood. I asked myself, “Is this what all mothers experience?” One moment I would feel joy and excitement; the next, intrusive thoughts of dropping my baby would plunge me into a whirlwind of anxiety and anguish.
One late night, while my husband and baby were asleep, I turned to research for answers. I googled, “I am a new mom and experiencing troubling thoughts about my baby… is this normal?” To my surprise, an abundance of articles and personal stories surfaced, all highlighting two words: “Postpartum Depression.” One might ask, what is Postpartum Depression (PPD)? Postpartum depression (PPD) is a type of depression that can occur in the weeks or months following childbirth.
After dedicating several hours to researching postpartum depression (PPD), I discovered a book titled “Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts.” This book profoundly impacted my life and altered my perspective on my experiences. It emphasized that I should not conceal my feelings in shame; rather, my thoughts and emotions were completely normal and expected. I learned that Postpartum depression (PPD) is a topic that doesn’t get enough attention despite affecting so many new mothers worldwide. It’s often overlooked or minimized, with societal expectations leaning towards the idea that new motherhood should be a time of joy and excitement. But for many women, it’s a period of intense emotional and psychological pain.
The book provided valuable insights into the various ways Postpartum Depression (PPD) can manifest, including symptoms such as sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, irritability, and feelings of guilt or shame. One of the challenges associated with PPD is that it may be perceived as a typical aspect of the “baby blues,” which usually lasts only a few weeks following childbirth. However, PPD can persist for a significantly longer duration and can be much more severe, adversely affecting a mother’s ability to care for herself and her child.
This revelation provided a sense of hope that I had not felt since the birth of my child. However, I soon realized that the journey ahead would be challenging and isolating. After months of grappling with my situation, I finally began to reconnect with my sense of self. Despite this progress, I was left with feelings of abandonment. I questioned why my doctor hadn’t educated me about the possibility of PPD. I wondered why my family hadn’t provided me with a heads-up. Was this a common experience for all women? Why did I feel such anger? Why did I perceive that the medical community had failed me? Why was I left to self-diagnose my condition?
With my second child I had hoped for a different experience, and while I found several improvements, I still lacked the vital education about PPD that I needed. I continue to learn and educate myself about postpartum depression. I am still navigating the challenges associated with PPD, and I aim to share my experiences to encourage others to speak openly about theirs. Many women unknowingly find themselves in a position where they feel that discussing their experiences with PPD is inappropriate. However, remaining silent during such a vulnerable period can lead to more serious consequences for both the individual and their family.
My intention in sharing my experience is to shed light on various mental health-related issues. It is entirely possible to manage mental health challenges while maintaining a successful career. One can experience depression and still own a home and manage finances effectively. Likewise, it is feasible to cope with anxiety while being a dedicated parent. Navigating life alongside a mental illness is a topic that should not be silenced. It is vital and beneficial to discuss difficult issues openly, without fear of judgment.
I will end my story with a quote that I clung to during my most dark moments after childbirth:
There is hope in knowing this about postpartum depression: You are not the only one to experience this confining, crazy-making inner chaos within yourself.
Judy Dippel, Breaking the Grip of Postpartum Depression
Elise Sutton
Elise Sutton is a local writer specializing in mental health and parenting. A wife and mother of two, she is passionate about raising awareness that many people navigate mental health challenges while still leading successful and meaningful lives.
